He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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