I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
