okay pat passed out under dana's car
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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