I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
