Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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