yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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