your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
