I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
