Having a random hookup so left but love u
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
