my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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