I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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