I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
