He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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