my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
