i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
