Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
