Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
