i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
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I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
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I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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