i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
