I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
