Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
