My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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