I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
