Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
