What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You have to summon your inner elephant
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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