Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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