I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
