Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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