the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
