I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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