walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
