dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
