dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
