guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
