I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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