yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
