I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
