Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
