just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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