So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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