What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
