so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize