Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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