The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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