Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
