Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
