i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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