so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
