someone threw a dead crab at me
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize