oh god the rape fog is back!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
