I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
