drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
