So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
