hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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