My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
whose parrot is this?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
