Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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